Life is good...life is hard...

I'm not even sure where to start with this post. This last month has been a good month but a somewhat difficult month as well. A very emotional time for our family but especially for me. I use my blog as my journal somewhat. I decided that having things documented on an occasional basis is better than nothing. So...I write these things not for your sympathy but for me and my posterity. I'm sorry it's a little longer than usual.

On Mothers day, May 8, 2011 we found out we were pregnant once again. We were so very excited for this. If you recall in January, we had a miscarriage, and so we were especially excited for this news. We shared this news with family who likewise were as happy as we were. Things looked good with the pregnancy. I went in at eight weeks for my first prenatal appointment. They did an ultra-sound to confirm the pregnancy. There was a baby and a heart beat present at this time. Everything looked good. Having a previous miscarriage I was somewhat nervous this time around but I had heard from various people that your chances of miscarrying again is very low. Well fast forward a couple of weeks...

Late Saturday night (just shy of being 10 weeks) I came down stairs from getting ready for bed. Jarom was sitting on the couch watching television. I sat down and told Jarom that there was something wrong with this pregnancy. I wasn't sure what but I knew there was something wrong. I told him that I hoped that I was wrong but something just didn't feel right. I felt strongly enough about this that I asked Jarom if he would give me a blessing before going to bed. Jarom gave a beautiful blessing. It bothered me though. He never once told me that this baby was going to be okay. Well the next day came, it happened to be Sunday, I went to get in the shower and sure enough...this pregnancy wasn't okay. I was bleeding. I was shocked. How could this be happening again? I just cried. We sat around Sunday afternoon hoping for the best.

Monday morning I called my doctor to see if she could get me in to see what was going on. We went in around 11:00am. An ultra sound was done and it was confirmed that there was no heart beat on the little baby that was growing inside of me. After my previous experience, we deiced to go with a scheduled D&C and to just get this whole thing over with. The surgery was scheduled for Wednesday, June 15, 2011.

Needless to say this last month has been full of ups and downs. The first miscarriage that I had was hard enough but I knew that they happened and that most often the next pregnancy would be a success. Well, not in our case. This miscarriage has been very difficult. I have been angry. I have been sad. I've been mad at Heavenly Father for allowing this to happen. My testimony has been a little weak. I have wondered why me? I have had emotions that I don't even know how to describe. I hate being around pregnant people right now. It has nothing to do with them as a person or the little baby that is growing inside of them but it just reminds me of our loss. It's hard and this whole experience sucks!

People ask "Are you going to try again?" The answer is yes. We have two wait for two cycles before we can try again. To be quite honest though. I'm scared to death! I'm scared that I won't be able to have any more children physically and trying again just means that we are going to find out if I can. At least right now I have the hope that it is possible. When we try again, and if this pregnancy fails, then that hope will be dashed. I'm scared to get excited for fear of losing another baby. I'm scared to even get attached to or love the little one that will be growing inside of me because I may end up losing them and I don't know if I can go through what I have gone through again. I feel this pressure to get our family here. I'm not getting any younger. My 35th birthday is coming up at the end of July. Allison needs a brother or a sister. Hopefully more than one!

The doctor has told us that we can do testing to possibly figure out what is causing me to miscarriage but she says that they don't usually do that testing until after a third miscarriage occurs. It's very expensive so Jarom and I have decided to not do the testing at this time. My doctor is going to put me on progesterone as soon as I get pregnant this next time to help "boost" the pregnancy. I'm considered high risk now so my pregnancy will be monitored much more closely that before. I'm so thankful for the modern technology that we have.

I can't say that there hasn't been learning through all of this. I wish I could say I knew why we had to go through this trial. I just have to trust that Heavenly Father knows what he is doing and that something better is going to come along. I do know that I love Allie just that much more. Each day that I get to spend with her is a gift. I also know that I married an amazing man! Who loves me no matter what. Who sits by my side and allows me to cry and shed tears on his shoulder. He has been my rock through all of this. He's been suffering through all of this too. I only wish that I could be there for him like he has been there for me. We have also been blessed by incredible family. Where would we be without their love and support. Have I ever told you how happy I am to be in Utah? Well I am. Having family near by has been such a blessing.

Although this month has been hard we have also had some good times. We were able to go up north this year for the fourth of July. It was so much fun. We left on Friday the 1st of July and didn't come back until the 10th. We had a fabulous time and it was a good distraction from everything that has been going on in our lives. Allie got sick with a fever for three days. That wasn't fun. We kept her drugged up with lots of Tylenol and ibuprofen.

We went to the Hoogle Zoo. It was a perfect day. Not to hot and a little bit cloudy. This is at the end of the day. Allie was tired and not excited about being a picture with Mom and Dad.

Allie and her cousin Olivia (Natalie's youngest). They love each other.

Allie and Jarom at the elephants.

Mindy and Allie at the elephants.

Mindy with all her adorable nieces. Yup...everyone of them! This is how it always used to be. Now I get to add my own daughter to the mix. It's so much fun!

This is a picture of all the cousins on the Bergeson side. Aren't they a cute bunch of kids?

Allie and her only girl cousin on the Bergeson side. They have to sick together.

Allie and Olivia at my sisters house.

While in Logan we had the chance to go on a wagon ride. It was a lot of fun. We did get a little rain if you notice the clouds in the background. Here we are getting ready to go.

A photo of the horses and all of us going on the ride.

Here is Allie, Emily and Olivia on the wagon ride.

My parents on the wagon ride.

Here we are standing next to the big horses after the ride. Allie was a little bit afraid of them and didn't want to be posing for a picture that close to them.

The 4th of July was spent in Idaho Falls with Jarom's family. It was so much fun. They have the greatest fireworks. Here we are sitting outside the hotel on the lawn waiting for the fireworks to start. This is Allie's first time with sparklers. She wasn't sure what to think.

Allie with her cousins RyRy and Gus.

Here is a photo of the kids swimming. Allie loved to jump in the pool and especially loved it when grandpa Blaine started to throw the kids in the pool.

This is just a random photo of Allie at home coloring. Notice that the markers end up on her and not on the paper.